Updated: May 2
painting by Megan, 5' x 4' - 2016
I’ve been very emotional these past weeks.
I know you may be saying “Blah blah blah so have I”.
But for real.
For the past two weeks I wake up at either 2 am or 5:00 am (it’s a crapshoot) and begin thinking of the day ahead. Memories creep in from my past and I feel victimized by circumstances I've created (keywords: I CREATED). Or, how I responded to the circumstances.
I’ll ruminate on what's held me back in “getting there”. Whatever the fudge “there” is. These thoughts all smush together in 5 minutes and then I’m wired. Wired and tired. Tears swell in, anger, hurt, fear and shame. (love me some shame). I’m feeling through some deep pains and they're moving around in my body.
Can anybody relate? Because I’ve convinced myself I’m the only one on the planet to experience these marbles.
I do a damn good job of getting comfortable with holding hurt in my heart, which leads me to long for deeper connections with my family and friends. Because - If I can connect with them and they love me back, then all is good, right? My heart will be healed.
THEN, when I'm given opportunities to build stronger bonds and love, I self sabotage myself and the situation. Generally by either removing myself from interacting and expressing my voice because I’m scared (guess we’d call this social anxiety), or I drink too much wine because I still believe, after almost 40 years, that will lighten the mood and my personality will shine. Party on.
My much-desired connection has - FAILED. Again and again and again.
My husband, the most amazing listener, empath, and let-it-goer I’ve ever met - will comfort me and tell me I’m being too hard on myself. Let it go. But how….? How do I let “it” go when I feel "it" so deeply. When I long for people to get me, hear me, and participate in life with me.
My ego is literally on fire here, can you see it?
Ego - you're a bastard!
How do I turn this anxiety into art, hurt into love, and self-sabotage into self-care?
Here’s what came to me…
After a very emotional 2 weeks, fueled by some good old self-sabotage and a progesterone tincture - I’m placing FAITH and my future, in-God. There, I said it. I’m becoming a woman of the Lord, inviting source energy to work through me. It has come to this. When all along it should have been “this”. I can’t do it alone. And I figure the only thing that can save me is the one that guided me here. Maybe, if I learn about their love more, I will better serve, love, and create artful moments and relationships.
I don’t have control. Control is what I thought I’ve always had - while simultaneously always failing to achieve it. Because I never had it. If I begin to practice, and yes it will take practice, on working from, speaking from, and loving from the source - I will align with my greatest powers and truly see this over-the-top blessed life that God has designed for me, for my family, and all of us.
Since I've exhausted all other "self-help" journeys to heal deep wounds - books, talk therapy, tea's, tinctures and gua sha tools - I'm thinking God may be the only way.
God and me, how simple.
Okay great but what does this mean for all my plans, and to-do lists, and the successful business I want to create, and the babies we're asking God to bring us, and the house we're going to build, and the love I want to “force” feel, and all the money….? Lord, what about the fat bank account?!
Nothing. It means nothing. It means I have no control over any of it or the people in it.
I’m being called to pray. Slow my movements, my actions, and my reactions.
I’m being called to simply sit with it. Speak to my shadows, speak to the gratitude angels, and pray in grace for who I am becoming.
Last Monday I was desperate. I was praying, asking for forgiveness, feeling guilty for asking for forgiveness because there are a trillion other people on this planet that need God’s help much more than I do. Again - self-sabotage! I digress. Back to Source.
When I was praying these words below came to me….
These are my words:
So, for the next month or the rest of my life, I’ll let you know - I’m trying. I’m trying this new approach. When I woke up this morning I had a thought - maybe all these emotions I have been so deeply feeling, is my old life dying. Like, not to be forgotten, but simply passing on. Going to a better place of acceptance and rest and clearing the way for a second life.
If it takes pain to get to that place, I’m willing to feel it. I know conversations with God and mediation will show me how.
Hello, new friend.
With great love,